The Stones and The Heart (Batu-batu dan Sang Hati)

~My Grateful Prayers~

*Chapter One*

It was a calm and quiet evening when I joined a session of “The Heart: Every spiritual journey begins with the heart.” In the opening, my spiritual sister Dina Kaidir, quoted a few words from Kabir Helminski,

“The food of the heart is love. The heart needs continual nourishment if it is to be healthy…”

She quoted one of the Hadith Qudsi too,

“Those that remember Me in their heart, I remember them in My heart; and those that remember Me in a gathering, I remember them in gathering better than theirs.”

She then added the quotation from al-Ghazali,

“There is nothing closer to you than yourself.”

She said, “The heart is sometimes compared to a mirror in Islamic spirituality. By remembering Him, it is as if we are polishing the mirror of our heart. A heart in submission to God is a perfect mirror free of blemishes, distortions, illusions, contortions and obstructions.” After that, she quoted Abdul Qadir Jilani’s words:

“Your heart is a polished mirror. You must wipe it clean of the veil of dust which has gathered upon it, because it is destine to reflect the light of the divine secrets.”

*Chapter Two*

This year is not an easy year for me, indeed, like the rest of the years before, except that last years my questions for Him was worldly requests only.

I am an ordinary housewife and mother, and also an easy-going MA student. I never study hard, never keep my notes and journals in good arrangement. I read books that I like, more often not the books that are required for my studies. I watch TV like common people, and I enjoy going to cinema either with my girlfriends or my husband – who unfortunately is a very busy man lately.

Yet, I am still like I was 17 years ago, when I was 14, wondering about people and friends around me. I wrote down on my diary,

“Dear Allah, please enlighten my friends and my teachers who are not Muslims…”

Yes, I was 14, and for the first two years in my new school my classmates are mostly not Muslims. It was a culture shock for me because I had been indoctrinated by my previous Islamic school that those who are not Muslims will go to hell.  I was very sad remembering that doctrines because all my schoolmates and all my teachers are so kind and very nice. I often ask to Him, why did God born them not as Muslims? Latter, the last two years in that school, I was even the only Muslim in my class. It was the best class in our school that time, and as a young girl I was very proud of myself. My classmates are much cleverer and smarter than me, as you can see now that they got great jobs and titles. They are still very nice and friendly to me, and still sometimes, I can bear the mind of seeing them in hell after this life.

When I was in college, I have more freedom on spending my time. I learn from many Islamic teachers about my religion. I was looking for peace and a real way to enter the Heaven. I was always afraid that my life after death will be burn by fire and I will die in a very young age before I can be a good, kaffah and devoted Muslim. Yet, none really makes me peace. I got confused, disappointed, and I feel it’s time to give up. I feel the more I learn, the more I see how bad God is, as in each circle of religious faith they claim each as the truth of Islam, the only religion and mazhab that God will safe and put into Heaven. So, if those just make me have bad thinkings of God, I prefer to be an ordinary Muslim and not to know the rest; doing the five times prayers and all the Islamic duties such as paying zakat, and fasting.

I was upset with them. They obliged me to wear long veil, saying that it is the most beautiful dress for a muslimah, but in the same time they said bad words about those who do not wear. They told me that Islam is the truest way of life, but in the same time they expressed harsh words to those who do not belong to their group. Whenever I join in such group, my heart was filled by hatred and anger. I wanted to get angry with them too because of that. However, it is a sin for me to have such feeling. It is a kafir characteristic and satan must be whispering me to do such thing – angry to a righteous and pious men? How come?

However, the more I reflect myself and their teachings, the more I believe that this is not God’s mistakes and that’s not what God really wants. I believe Islam is not wrong. I believe there is still a way or two to understand the whole thing in a good, loving way. I have never think to change my religion. I was born as Muslim, thus God must have a well plan for me as He had created me as a female, and Indonesian.

*Chapter Three*

Dear Allah, my one and only God, Thank You very much for Your blessings, guidance, love and light.

Dear Allah, the passing months and years had been really hard for a new starter like me. I am new as the follower of  Your chosen imams. I am new as the follower of  Your saints. I am a new, reborn woman, who hardly stand still in holding the new beautiful picture of Your great messengers from Adam pbuh to Muhammad saw pbuh.

Dear Allah, forgive me for all the sins because I have bad feelings and say annoying words to my brothers and sisters in this world, and I would really thank to You for sending me some great people to teach me in other way, the way I may not like. Some people who I did not even know and I think I like them at first, they turn to give me hard and harsh words, all against my notes on this blog, and against what I put on my facebook wall, notes and pictures. Yet, I know now that they love me so, they love me because they did not want me to go to hell and put us and the rest to the hell too. I would to thank them, and first above all, Thank You, God for reminding!  I am no one. I am not real. You are the Only One that real.

Dear Allah, thank you very much for the great teachers you are sending to me. Even the enemies are my teachers, yes Allah, thank you. I have to admit, it is very-very hard to forgive them, but it’s all because of  You I can forgive them, I can thank them and even I want to apologize for whatever I did to them…

Dear Allah, one of my great spiritual teacher told me,

May Allah pour out His blessings on you, my dear friend. There are people on all the roads who speak harsh words. It is said that all roads lead to Allah. In fact none of them do. Allah is as close as the heart vein. There is no road to Him and no road away from Him.

and he is right about it. While he was writing down, there are stones that hit to my face, that the pains and the hurts and all its dirty things are everywhere on my body; but surely it would not contaminated the Heart, as long as I wipe it as clean as a glass mirror, then it would be still and be still…Dear Allah, yes truly, I believe that I would be still , be still, to know that You are God.

Dear Allah, why should be angry to You? Why should I get mad with my family, my friends, and those unknown who complain, suggest, advice and even said he would  slap me because I make fun of  Your religion? No, No, I can’t angry with anyone right now and forever. You Are manifested in every one and every thing that make all things are unreal because The Absolute and The Real is only You. Yes, only You. Those who make me upset are Yours and indeed they are You.

Thank You very much Dear Allah…Alhamdulillah…send my best and warm regards to them…May You always bless and guide all of us…all men…all people…

I have nothing more to talk and write now…I think I should end this now….I have running out of my words for You, for actually You already know what is in my mind now, and what is my deeply concern now, and all I would ask for, indeed You know me better than anyone else, yes, surely You hold me, You own me, and I have no any right except the rights You have given me to me….

Dear Allah. Thank You and Forgive me…I fear of  Your hell, but my greatest fear is that You do not love me and my biggest fear is  You put me in the darkness. I want to be in Your Heaven, but I yearn more of Your Love, Your Light, and Your Guidance!

I’m ready…I’m ready to enter….Lailahaillallah….Lailahaillallah…Lailahaillallah

—- @$$$@—

a very nice note :

Happy Hari Raya



4 responses to “The Stones and The Heart (Batu-batu dan Sang Hati)

  1. ciao Gayatri,

    waktu kita bertemu di Wisma untuk pertemuan Sabda Kehidupan sebuah ide terlintas di benak saya. Saya percaya bahwa kita semua adalah anggota sebuah keluarga, bahkan dalam pengertian kristiani kita bagaikan anggota sebuah tubuh. Jika ini benar, bagaimana mungkin ada orang yang begitu bahagia mengatakan bahwa orang lain pasti masuk neraka, seakan-akan mereka puas atas kemalangan (kekal) saudara/inya.
    Padahal, jika sunggh ada orang yang menghilang di situ, kita seharusnya merasakan bahwa sebuah anggota dari tubuh kita tercabut dari tempatnya, bagaikan sebuah tangan atau kaki yang terpotong. Kita tidak bisa bahagia ataupun mengharapkan orang lain masuk ke situ, karena mereka adalah sebagian dari kita.
    Mari kita berusaha untuk mewujudnyatakan persaudaraan dengan siapapun. Inilah awal mula surga, di sini, untuk disempurnakan di sana.



    • gayatri wedotami

      terimakasih brother Matteo.
      di mana pun yang kulihat hanyalah wajah Tuhan
      bagaimana bisa kukatakan engkau bukan saudaraku?
      dan bagaimana bisa kukatakan musuhku bukan keluargaku?
      aku tak ingin menjauh dan dijauhkan dari Tuhan
      sebab itulah neraka yang paling kutakuti
      kegelapan dan kedinginan tanpa cahaya hangat dan terang Sang Kekasih
      terimakasih saudaraku
      terimakasih karena juga mencintaiku
      dan mencintai semua orang
      serta semua makhlukNya, yang hidup maupun yang mati
      yang berbicara maupun yang diam membisu…
      salam damai selalu untukmu!

  2. of only i could understand what you write down about

    just drop by… 🙂

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